Glee Club : Incestual Family
by TheDivineMsEm
Summary: "Well you can't really call yourselves family then," Blaine said, eyebrows furrowed. "Why not?" Tana asked. "Because that's a whole lot of incest," Blaine said. "And that stuff just ain't right," Noah surmised, taking a big bite of his steak. - T for swearing at end


**This is set during Season 2, before Prom, and any appearances before this point by Jesse, or after, never happened. Relationships AU!**

Rachel's POV

It was the first day of Summer and our group was at my house for lunch. Quinn and Santana helped me take the food out to the deck where there was a radio playing and everyone was talking. Just as everyone dug in the worst song ever, well at least in my opinion, played on the radio causing everyone except Blaine to laugh and me to blush. Blaine looked around at everyone as if they were crazy.

"What's so funny about this song?" he asked me, the only one not laughing.

"Tell the story Rach," Santana grinned before laughing again.

I shook my head at her before turning to face Blaine. "Our assignment one week was to perform a song with a bad reputation, and I chose 'Run Joey Run'," I said , shrugging.

"She's leaving out the part where she triple cast Puck and Finn, her ex boyfriends, and Jesse, her then boyfriend, in the lead role," Quinn said with a shake of her head.

"Who's Jesse?" Blaine asked looking even more confused.

Everyone groaned albeit Santana, who grinned and informed Blaine about my ex boyfriend.

"Jesse St. Jerk was the lead of Vocal Adrenaline who started dating Rachel because Shelby told him to, after Finn dumped her."

"But you and your Mom aren't fighting," Blaine said bemusedly.

"Now they are," Artie said, "but to really understand it all I think Quinn and Rachel need to tell you about the club's dating history."

"Why us?" Quinn asked her boyfriend.

"Because you two were part of most relationships," Kurt said, "and your fights were epic."

"Well Rach has to start then," Quinn said, turning to face me, "because she was there before I was."

I nodded. "Right. Well at the very start there were five of us: Artie, Tina, Mercedes, Kurt and I. I had a crush on Finn and we actually kissed but he chose to stay with Quinn. Keep in mind at this time most of our group hated each other. Quinn and I particularly."

"We were immature," Quinn said ruefully, "but after that I slept with Puck and go pregnant with Beth."

"Wait, Shelby's Beth is your daughter?" Blaine asked.

"Yep," Noah said, "but we weren't ready for a kid and Shelby wanted another one so we let Shelby adopt her and when she christened her we were her Godparents. When she's older we'll tell her."

"I think it needs to be said Brittts and me were dating Chang and Rutherford when this was happening, if we're gonna do the whole "who hooked up with who" thing," Santana chipped in.

"OK so at the moment Quinn is dating Finn but pregnant with Beth, and Rachel has a crush on Finn," Brittany said as if she was also trying to keep up. "Then Kurt joined the football team!" Brittany said excitedly.

"I was trying to convince my Dad I wasn't gay," Kurt said with a shrug, "but that was also when Rachel quit Glee and joined the musical."

"I quit and storm off all the time. At least I came back," I said, "that was when I gave Jacob a pair of underwear to stop him running the story about Quinn' pregnancy."

"Thank you for that by the way," Quinn said with a grin.

"No problem," I said with a laugh, "that was the first time I started dating Noah and when Sue dated Rod Remington."

"We also did the wheelchair number and I started going out with Tina," Artie supplied helpfully.

"Yeah," Quinn said, not happily.

"Don't worry, I love you baby," Artie said, leaning over and kissing her cheek.

"Rachel also had a crush on Mr. Shue," Quinn said, looking and sounding much happier.

I blushed a little at that. "Anyway, Quinn and Noah spent a night together but he was sexting Santana. Then Kurt gave me a make-over because I was trying to win Finn over, but even though-"

"-she looked hot!-" Kurt interjected.

"-I liked the look," I said, frowning a little, "Finn didn't and Kurt purposely dressed me like that because he had a crush on FInn."

"My head hurts," Blaine mumbled, "how do you all keep up?"

Quinn grinned. "It isn't without effort. Then, because Finn found out Beth wasn't his, we broke up and him and Rach got together after Sectionals, which coincidentally was when Mrs. Pillsbury broke off her engagement with our old football coach."

"Then Tana and Britt tried to seduce Finn, and eventually got him to go on a date with them both, but when he came back to try and get me again I was already with Jesse. But the club wanted us to end it and he ended up moving to McKinley so we could be together."

"That was when I set up Carole and Dad in the hope I would get closer to Finn," Kurt said with a fond smile.

"But you dated Brittany then as well," I said.

"And it was great," Kurt said, laughing and high -iving Britt, "I just played for the other team."

"The pink team?" Britt asked and we all nodded, smiling and chuckling.

"I also got with Mercedes to save my rep," Noah said, shrugging.

"Mrs. Pillsbury starts dating a dentist even though Mr. Shue said he loves her and Finn tells me he loves me," I said, "and Noah said that he loved Quinn after she gave birth to Beth."

"Then the next year started and Tina and Mike, along with Sam and me, started dating," Quinn said.

"And that's when things got touchy, what with Mr. Shue trying to get Ms. Pillsbury back and Kurt getting kissed by Karofsky," I said uncomfortably.

"Then Sue gets married to herself-" Quinn started.

"To herself?" Blaine asked, raising an eyebrow.

"We never understood it either," Santana said to him.

"-and Burt and Carole got married also," Quinn finished.

"Sam also gave you a promise ring," I laughed.

"Well now the right guy has put a ring on her finger,"Artie said, lifting Quinn's hand and placing a kiss on it. Even though I knew that both of them weren't going to marry until at least after college, I still thought it was incredibly sweet of Artie to propose, especially as it was at Prom and the club made it all romantic.

"Then Finn breaks up with me, and a little after that Finn starts going after Quinn again and Noah was interested in _Lauren_," I say her name as it leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

"Come to think of it," Kurt said, "this was when you tried to serenade the guy at the Gap."

"Oh," Blaine said, seeming to understand timing a little more now.

"Then Sam dumped me for San and I got back together with Finn," Quinn said.

"Then Ms. Holiday comes back and starts dating Shue and Ms. Pillsbury broke up with Carl," I said.

"And two little gay-birds fell in love!" Brittany said, excited.

"She means you and Kurt got together," Tana translated Brittany speak for a less experienced Blaine.

"That was when Brittany broke up with me," Artie said, "well, that was a show but still."

"You're forgetting Satan fake-dating Karofsky," Noah said with a smirk.

"This may be hard to understand Puckerman," Tana glared at him, "but that was called strategy. That's when we _don't_ blindly rush in stealing ATMs."

"Bite me Satan," he replied.

"I'll leave that to Rachel," she quipped.

"Then Prom and you mostly know what happened there," I said, "Artie and Quinn came out with their secret relationship-"

"-totally pissing off Finnessa," Noah said with a belly laugh.

"-as did Noah and I," I interrupted my boyfriend.

"And you basically know the rest," Quinn said, "we sung at Sue's sister's funeral and went to Nationals. Finn stupidly kissed Rach, subsequently causing us to lose and Puck to break his nose."

"Surprisingly no one was angry at me but rather at Finn," I commented idly.

"Well the rest of them were at first," Artie told me, "but we watched the video and we could see you shove him off, so Nationals was on him."

"So a quick recap," Blaine said, beginning at Kurt, "you've dated Brittany, kissed Karofsky and had a crush on Finn."

To Quinn: "You've dated Finn,, more than once, got knocked up by Puck, and dated Sam."

To Artie: "You've dated both Tina and Artie."

To Brittany: "You Britt, seem to have dated everyone, but in Glee you've been with Mike, Kurt, Artie and now you're with Santana."

To Santana: "You're the same as Britt except you were with Puck then Matt and you slept with Finn before getting with Brittany."

To Noah: "You yourself have said you used to be a man-whore but first you were with Santana, then you got Quinn pregnant, then you were with Rachel before getting with Mercedes, then finally ending up with Rachel."

And to me: "You had a crush on Mr. Shue before you were with Puck, then Finn,then Jesse, then Finn and then Puck again."

We all shared glances around the table, agreeing with the summary.

"Well you can't really call yourselves family then," Blaine said, eyebrows furrowed.

"Why not?" Tana asked.

"Because that's a whole lot of incest," Blaine said.

"And that shit just ain't right," Noah surmised, taking a big bite of his steak.


End file.
